If it's not data, it's a story and the stories are what keeps us stuck
Whether you are in conflict with yourself or others, the stories are what keeps us stuck.
We know stuck. It can look like a lot of things. Some examples you might have experienced yourself are:
- Getting stuck in the same relationships patterns.
- Wanting to go do the thing but overthinking it so it seems too large to ever start
- Having that voice constantly telling you how it's going to go wrong
- Being stuck between wanting to do more, but feel already overwhelmed
- One bad thought leads to another and there you are on the Suffering Spiral
- Feeling like every conversation is an argument
STUCK by our stories.
Our brains are magical things. They allow us to be logical, practical, and prepared.
But they also make the biggest deal out of discomfort or failure.
They also lie. They fill in gaps with past experiences when they don't have the data. While that's a great help when we are trying to figure things out, those gap fillers can come from our worst wounds rather than a balanced perspective.
Sometimes (most times I reckon) we are better without all the stories, judgments, and what-ifs.
It's easier to manage the facts and get the clarity we need in order to resolve conflict. Assuming that you didn't do something because you were lazy, or that someone else is lazy is just a judgment. There are many other ways to look at it. Maybe you needed a break, maybe they needed more information or had a different way of approaching it. We just don't know because there are gaps in our information.
Conflicting perspectives or even inner voices often need fewer stories and gap-fillers and more facts and data.
I've come up with a process to look at our thoughts and beliefs so that we can extract only the truth and what is helpful.
Think of a conflict right now - internal or not. It could be shaming or blaming ourselves or others. It could be a conflict of needs and wants.
Then think of the stories and the thoughts that you have around them.
Now VALIDate them:
Valuable? Is this story or thought useful, helpful, or have some true value? Or are you just torturing yourself with what-ifs and hurtful possibilities?
Aligned with what you want? If what you really want is to feel free and happy, is this story or thought aligned with that? Or is it focusing on what you don't want?
Loving? Is this the most loving and compassionate version of this thought or story? Or are you being mean to yourself or another person? I'm guessing we want to be aligned with loving thoughts and stories.
Imperative? Does something need to be done about this right now or can I wait for more information? Or am I just focusing on things that I cannot do anything about or catastrophizing?
Direct data? Is this data that can be proven true and is direct? Or am I making assumptions or being passive aggressive with my thoughts?
What is still true and important?
What is not?
Does that story need to be tweaked or ditched completely?
What is the truth?
Ritual to let go:
Rituals help us bring shift into our bodies. Try this ritual to finally let go of what isn't serving you.
#1 Write down all the stories, the judgments, and the things that are not indeed fact on little scraps of paper.
Which are you ready to let go of?
You may not be ready to dis-believe some of them yet. There's layers. Choose some that you want to let go of because they either aren't true or they just aren't helpful in resolving this conflict.
#2 Create a small ritual (a way we bring shift into the body).
You can create a fire to burn them in.
Or you can bury them and have a funeral for them.
#3 Make it ceremonial. Announce what you are letting go of and what truth you want to hold on to.
#4 When or if those stories come up again, go back to where you burned them or buried them and lay them back down to rest. You can say something like, thank you for being with me. You no longer serve me so I offer you back to the Earth.
I hope this helps you shift all those thoughts and see them for what they are - just thoughts. You can change them if you focus on what you want rather than what you don't.
Have questions? Email me!
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