There are 2 bits of information you need in order to ensure your relationship stays clear and as conflict-free as possible.
Basically, what we want and what we don't want.
That sounds simple, but every relationship is different and often we sacrifice what we need or what we're willing to put up with, for what we absolutely don't. It is important for you to be clear so your relationships can be clear.
So without a lot of chatter, let's get to the same tools I use with clients in my coaching program, Confident, Connected and Impactful.
First, you need non-negotiables.
Non-negotiables is what you absolutely will not have in a connection. Some make these for their ideal partner which is a good idea, however, I would encourage that we have these with all the people we come in contact with. The contact list may not be as stringent as a life partner, but we still need to know where to draw boundaries instead of sacrificing what is important to us.
- We are clear about what we need
- We won't renegotiate our needs when we have those love feelings
- We know where to set our boundaries
- We know when someone has crossed our boundaries
- We can enforce our boundaries without feeling shame or guilt
How to do it:
Create a list now of what you need in relationships.
These will be behaviors you absolutely don't want in relationships. It's up to you, you know what you need.
For me, I usually have things like honesty, respect, and arguments can't come with name-calling or screaming matches.
Make sure you write yours down. Then, later, you won't trade what you need for what you want (which we often do if we don't set guidelines out for ourselves).
How to use them:
If someone has crossed your non-negotiables, you get to choose.
- You can verbalize a boundary with them.
- You may reinforce a boundary already spoken to them.
- You give them less time or cut them off from access to you.
Does it sound a little rough? Yep. But here's the thing - I'm betting you are pretty rough on you when you get walked all over or people don't treat you the way you want to be treated. I'd rather see you defending yourself rather than allowing other people to trample all over your needs.
Again, these are only those things you absolutely need in thi relationship. Ask yourself why you need them to make sure you are staying true to needs - not wants. Wants are great but that's not what this is about. Wants allow space for our own growth and for learning.
Part 2: What is the ideal vision for this relationship?
We all have ideas of how a partner or friend should behave within our connections. We might think that everyone has the same ideas, but we don't. We know this because that is why we have conflict in relationships. We have different ideas of how the relationship can and should go.
What I want you to do is to create a vision for that relationship or connection.
This is not about the Disney version of things, this is a living, breathing vision of what can be true & beautiful in your connection.
This is even more important and likely harder for those relationships we've been in for some time that seem to have constant conflict and drama, but underneath all relationships and situations, there are gifts that are offered and a reason we have a connection. We must believe there is beauty there somewhere.
So think about your relationships.
What is true and beautiful about each one of them?
Now imagine and envision what you truly want in that relationship. How would you want this relationship to go? How often would you be in connection? What would that look like? What would be ideal for you?
Then try this ritual for breathing them into your body to make this moment the moment you start focusing on the true and beautiful.
Breathing in our most beautiful and truest stories.
- If you’ve found a new truth or new true & beautiful story, I want you to breathe them into your heart. Those beliefs that you need new evidence for are what you are going to focus on breathing into your body. If any conflict, discomfort or stories wanting to find that new focus comes in breathe it out.
- See yourself breathing it out and making space so when you inhale, you are inhaling this new focus. Fill up this space with this new belief or story that will serve you better.
- You can use a 4-4-4 breath for this: 4 seconds breathing in, 4 seconds hold, 4 seconds exhale.
- Do this at least 10 times while you repeat this new affirmation or focus on yourself.
- Write that focus or affirmation on a piece of paper and add it to your altar with reverence.
Lastly, share your vision.
I know this can sound a little scary to some, and in order for you both to be on the same page, it's helpful to talk about your vision of your shared future. Know that their vision may not match yours, but it will give you a starting point to mesh your visions together to build a connection that you both see together.
Look I know that talking about our connection within our relationship can feel vulnerable and scary.
And it's important for below-the-surface relationships. Take the chance. No matter how it goes, you'll have more information about your connection with the other person.
Want to share your thoughts? Email me. I'd love to hear it.
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